Letter 1: My Faith Background
Introduction:
Dear Reader,
I’m not anti-anything. I’m not hurt, bitter, or rebelling. I’m simply a humble seeker who has discovered truths that I feel are deeper and more sincere than what I once believed.
In the following letters, I want to share my faith journey with you—not to convince, but to offer perspective. My hope is that something here might bring healing to your heart, strengthen your relationships, or help you raise your sense of peace, power, and purpose–whatever you choose to believe!
If you don’t know me well, it’s important to understand where I’m coming from first. In this first letter, I will describe my life formerly as a deeply devoted Christian and a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That life was everything to me. I loved the structure, the standards, and the spiritual ambition. I followed the rules with joy and purpose: I didn’t drink, smoke, swear, or watch anything profane. I read scriptures daily, served in callings, wore modest clothing, kept the Sabbath holy, and sought personal revelation with all my heart. I wasn’t blindly obedient—I was sincerely all in. And I found a lot of goodness there.
But over time, I was introduced to new perspectives—ideas that deserved exploration. And I felt an undeniable pull to seek with faith, not fear.
These letters are for those who are curious, open, and maybe even quietly wrestling with questions of their own. They’re for people who feel a little disillusioned with religion or life and wonder if there might be something more. They’re for anyone in a faith crisis, or spiritual fog, who longs for clarity and grounding without shame.
These letters are not for those who are easily offended, afraid of unfamiliar ideas, or already fully satisfied with their current path—and that’s okay too. If your life is full, your faith is strong, and you’ve found peace, I celebrate that with you. But if you're still searching, I hope you'll keep reading.
30 Years of Dedication
Raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I was the girl that did virtually everything she was supposed to do (and more). In a religion with so many expectations, that requires a massive amount of discipline which I was uniquely equipped for. I not only believed the teachings and principles, but I was willing to fully live and die by them.
The fact of the matter is I attained a level of "religious discipline" that relatively few people ever do and that has given me a very unique perspective about religion as a whole. For 30 years I checked just about every box there was to check and did so with full purpose of heart. I don't say any of this to be self righteous, nor do I mean to shame anyone who has NOT done “all the things,” but only for the purpose of explaining MY personal journey. Before diving into how I've grown and changed, I want to share a few insights on where I'm coming from, the lifestyle I’ve lived, and how that led to where I am now.
Now in reading this, you might think: “You’re focusing too much on your “works”. That’s just checking boxes, not true faith–not true religion!” Well, that may be true for some people, but for me, it was the physical manifestation of my deep love for God and the principles I had been taught. I lived my faith with integrity so that I could live in God’s Spirit at all times, have a clean conscience, and a develop a strong family. I did what I thought was necessary to reach those goals.
Another important point is that I did these things for myself. Not for praise or attention. In fact, rigidly following the “rules” often resulted in a kind of persecution from family, friends, and even other members of the church. I was often seen as an obnoxious sort of “puritan” even though I was only living the doctrines we had all been taught at church. Unfortunately, very few people in the church actually follow all the “rules”, and so the older I got, the more lonely I felt in my efforts to live a “clean” life. I found solace in the Mark Twain quote, “Be good and you will be lonesome.” which seemed to me a small price to pay assuming other doctrines of salvation were true.
To give you a more detailed picture, here’s a general summary of what “following my beliefs” looked like for me:
Note: I use past tense for grammatical consistency only, not to imply that I have thrown out all my beliefs.
Raised in church and baptized at 8 years old
Never tried alcohol, coffee, tea, drugs or tobacco
Never missed church unless I was too sick to make it
Never used swear words
Never watched porn or participated in anything sexual outside of marriage
Never watched a Rated-R movie, and very few PG-13 movies. I refused to watch anything with violence, foul language, sexual innuendos or the like.
Followed church guidance on music, getting increasingly strict over the years. Even cutting out non-acoustic music for several years.
Never broke a rule at BYU (always out of the opposite sex’s apartment by midnight. Never went in a guy’s bedroom etc.)
Took modesty seriously. No tank tops, shorts, dresses always knee length, etc. Never went without wearing our religious “garments”.
No dating until college
Even waited to kiss until I was engaged
Gave ministering assignments and callings my best effort always
Didn't celebrate Santa Clause (holidays were always 100% religious)
Hardly celebrated Halloween
Rigid Sabbath observance. Never shopped or went out on Sunday. No sports, music, movies, or any media that wasn’t 100% Christ-centered.
Grew a garden, built up my emergency food storage, and made every effort to live a sustainable, holistic, and environmentally friendly life
Plus, 18+ years of daily scripture study and prayer (individual and as a family)
5+ years of seminary and bible classes
12+ years paying a full 10% tithe
11+ years of daily scripture study and prayer with my kid
And on top of that, of course, all of the being nice to people and forgiving and being loving and kind, etc. etc.
Again, I don’t say any of that to "brag" or make anyone feel like they’re not doing enough, but to share a little bit about my personality and history. Obviously such an intense religious lifestyle is not the norm–I have never been normal. But again, for me, it was the heartfelt manifestation of my beliefs.
My perspectives on the meaning of “righteousness” are different now, as I will explain in following letters, however, I still firmly believe in always following one’s conscience. I always did my best and it felt right. That is the first principle of spiritual success–always follow your internal moral compass.
I am not here to take that away from anyone but to further inspire it.
Education & Relationships
In high school I worked hard to complete all available church awards and challenges including my Young Women's medallion, the Honor Bee award, and completing seminary. Upon graduating, I went to Brigham Young University, the church school in Utah. There I often attend the temple weekly and continued my religious studies.
I then got married in the temple–a pinnacle religious achievement– to someone I met at church, who served a mission and had an active family (son of a Mission President/Area Seventy). I falsely believed that would result living happily ever after into the eternities. I quickly learned the harsh lesson, however, that not everyone at church is a good person and found my self in an abusive marriage with a man who eventually declared himself as gay.
Although I was naïve and felt confused, my faith kept me strong, and I shook it off. Once again, I married someone with a strong religious background that I believe to be worthy, but eventually found myself in another abusive marriage with someone leaving the church. It was a painful process, but through it all, I remained strong in my beliefs and dedicated to my principles. (Coping with a spouse who abandons your religion it's a very emotionally difficult process I'd like to talk about, but a story for another time.) What matters most in this context is that I didn't allow it to shake my faith, and continued on my own journey.
Certainly it wasn't the church's fault that my ex husbands were abusive, nor do I blame anyone but myself for failing to properly vet their character. While there are some "Mormon cultural traditions" and doctrines I believe contributed to my naïve choices, I choose to take full responsibility for those mistakes.
Conclusion
Although those experiences were extremely difficult, my faith was my source of strength. Even when many of my friends left the church during COVID-19, for reasons I too resonated with, I chose to ignore the socio-political debates. My faith was grounded in principles that allowed me to overlook the drama and chaos of men into the eternities. Those same principles would later direct my search for more.
In the following letters I will explain;
What triggered that search
The plan I used to navigate that process (without faith crisis)
And where I’m at now
I hope you will continue on to the next letter.
Sincerely With Love,
Heather N.
